Grieving Differently
Each year I start off with a word I want, wait, back up, one that I hope, embodies the upcoming year for me. 2023 was a hard year. Possibly the hardest year of my life. It was a year of loss, challenge, growth, sadness, grief and anxiety but it was also one of adventure, growth, laughter, and acceptance.
I have always been someone who doesn’t like to be open with my emotions. I am an observer. I’m loud, and opinionated and I won’t sugarcoat it for you but when it comes to expressing my emotions, being open with them, etc. not my cup of tea.
There are twelve ways to grieve. I learned that in therapy many years ago. Grief also comes to us in many forms. We grieve who we used to be, who we lost, what we lost, what we thought we wanted. It isn’t just grief for death, grieve encompasses many things. In the last decade I’ve lost four of the most important people in my life and before that, I hadn’t really lost anyone. I had lost family members but not core people who helped shaped me as a person.
I started therapy almost 20 years ago. Therapy taught me a lot about myself. Including that I process things and grieve differently than a lot of people and that a lot of people are put off by how I work through things. I don’t like to communicate with people about my feelings.
This year I lost my Dad. I also lost my heart dog. The dog I got when I was 23 years old. She got me through my 20’s, my 30’s. We moved to DC together. That dog and I went through more together than any human. Losing my Dad, in January, someone who I am a carbon copy of, shook me to my core. “Luckily” for me, I was running a 5k, 10k half marathon and full marathon the weekend my Dad passed and I was able to process through running which was the best thing that could have ever happened for my mentals.
My Dad had been sick for a long time and I take an enormous amount of solace knowing he was no long in pain. Aspen was 16 and I take solace knowing she was ready to go. It doesn’t make it any easier for me, but at the end of the day, my selfish wants for them are far less important than their needs and comfort.
I found someone on TikTok who provides advice people who ask. I often disagree with her takes on situations but I enjoy listening to her perspective because I strongly believe we need to spend more time trying to understand the other side of things. We’ve become so entrenched in defending our own opinions and so convinced that our own opinions are facts that we, as a society have lost sight of debate and that understanding the other side of the argument is the best way to defend your own.
Several months back someone wrote in and asked this person to provide advice on what to do because she had lost someone close to her and was having a hard time grieving but her friends were not there for her the way she thought they should be. This girl’s advice was something that has bothered me since I saw the video. She said that perhaps she should have a conversation with her friends and tell them what she needed from them but that maybe she needed new friends.
That cut and dry response irked me then and it irks me now. Your expectations of how someone should respond to your grief is typically a direct correlation to how they grieve. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, there are 12 ways to grieve and process. Your friends and family are not your therapist. They are not (necessarily) equipped with the tools, skills or means to help you in that time. And, (this may sound harsh but it’s reality), it isn’t their job. If you are having a hard time with grief or processing something or having a hard time in general, it is not the responsibility of your spouse or group to be your therapist. You need a therapist.
That isn’t to say your friends and family can’t help you through things and maybe you have people who grieve and process the way you do. But, if your circle has a different process, that doesn’t mean you need to find a new circle, it means you need to find a therapist and lean on a professional to help you through that time.
I responded to the creator with my thoughts and some people were quite upset about it. Those people who believe that it is the job of your friends and family to be your therapist and if that is your belief that’s fine. You’re entitled to your opinion but I encourage you to broaden your mind if the people around you are not reacting or behaving the way you want them to in these situations.
Additionally, as someone who is grieving you have the right to take up space and grieve how you need to. There is no time limit on grief. No handbook (actually there might be a handbook somewhere, but that would be a little ridiculous in my opinion), no right or wrong way. Don’t let someone tell you how to grieve or when to grieve or diminish what you need to heal for you.
This can be applied to several life scenarios. I have many conversations with my therapist in this regard. The expectations we have for people in our lives versus the reality of those relationships. It’s hard to not have high expectations or expect people to behave the way we would but if we all behaved the same, what a boring world we would have. Our differences are what make us unique and what us, us.
If you are struggling with anxiety or depression, you are not alone. There are a number of resources of available to you. Learn more HERE.
If you are struggling with grief there are a number of resources that can be helpful to you. Here are two.
